Saturday, September 13, 2008

File this in DO NOT OPEN

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My sisters came to visit me in France and it made me realize how far away I always am.  How they share so many cool moments together.  I hate that I miss the birthdays and that I miss the sing-a-longs at the Drafthouse, and so many other little things. 

It has also made me realize how my memory is short.  My memory is short for the bad things, I am a serial postive thinker or as some would say constantly in denial.  When my sisters were here, we were talking about high school at one point and I said to Courtney with a nonchalant smile, "We got along alright when we were in school, right?" with not so much as even a thought more to our relationship.  And she just looked at me.  Looked at me and said, "Brittany, you made my life a living hell in high school". Slowly it came back to me. Courtney taking the brunt of my parent's attention and getting into trouble because she had a boyfriend, me getting cut slack because my parents were concentrating on Courtney. Courtney telling me she hated me because I had a later curfew than she did. Us not getting along. Not at all like I like to remember.  As it all came back to me I couldn't believe that I placed this in the file DO NOT OPEN part of my mind. 

I find I do this a lot.  In France, a lot of things have been hard, and more frustrating than I had ever imagined. But each time an obstacle arose I was surprised as it wasn't at all the France I remembered.  When I left Lyon the first time, I left most bad memories at the airport.  I was done with those and I guess over the past 5 years I have put it on some sort of pedestal, but a wonderful enchanting pedestal.  That year was beautiful, amazing and life-changing and I am pretty happy to leave it at that.  But then if pressed enough, I remember that I walked on eggshells for an entire year, that I was so afraid of messing up and not being a good exchange student that I made myself the most pleasant human being for one year.  That came with its up and downs. 

A month later, I'm home, and again, I realize how much I file away.

It's feels good to be home, but weird being the only sister at my parent's house/town.  When I plan my visits home I never really think of the consequences of them being there (Austin), and me being here (Pleasanton).  What I look forward to is the being together, that is what I crave when I'm across the ocean, but as we get older and our goals go separate ways, I find us ready to be scattered in a more definite scary kind of way. And it's not something I am usually prepared for. When I visualize home I see us all together, sort of like childhood memories but with a surreal Texan background.  But after I get off the airplane and am picked up by 2 instead of 5, it all becomes real.  We are never going to live in the same city again. It just isn't possible. But I block that out when I leave and every time I get excited for a new trip home, I think of seeing all of them and how wonderful it is, but that's just not really what happens.

And it all comes down to growing up being le suck.

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