Saturday, November 22, 2008

Next on the list for melodramatic...

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The sad truth about graduating from an international school is that come July, we will all be going our separate ways. 

No one want to talk about it. It's the ever looming elephant in the corner - if we talk about what our future holds there is just the silent ever growing distance, our promising futures in all different parts of the world.

I hate saying that I am going back to the states next summer even if I am excited for what the future holds. I mean, I'm pretty excited for my prospects: working for a new and exciting company, finding a new city and finally making my way in the world. At the moment it is almost certain that I will go back to live and work for awhile to start my career and become a real person. So I don't know why I feel that sick feeling akin to failure when I admit that a one way ticket to the US is in my future. Why does it feel so much like giving up?

I stayed for the second year. I'm one of the ones who made it and then made the choice to stay and battle out the memoir, and take a whole new battery of tests. That was supposed to be my challenge.  Now looking to the future, I see myself challenging myself to stay again, but maybe this time it's for the wrong reasons.

Maybe it's because I know how much easier things will be in the states : I'll be speaking my own language, I'll be working in my desired industry, and I'll be closer to my family - or at least reachable in an easy inexpensive phone call.  After a year and a half of constant struggle, maybe I don't feel like things should be easy anymore.  What if I'll miss the struggle, the foreign and awkwardness, the pain in the ass cultural differences? Because like it or not, who I am right now has been founded on the fact that I am rarely ever in my comfort zone and that I'm always trying news things. And I know, I know there will be challenges along the way - challenges I can't see clearly right now or that don't seem as significant right now.

So I guess maybe it's just that I'll feel less special next year. It's an idea that I will have to come to terms with.  There won't be the looks of surprise at my accent or my fluency in their native tongue. Being normal is a very different experience then what I am dealing with right now. Everyday I am noticed, where it be negatively or positively, and I am treated differently.   Some may see this as altogether negative side effect, but I'm used to it.  I'd even go as far to say, I like it. But the big fear of going home is that I'll just be one of the many, and maybe that is not what I'm ready for.


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