Saturday, November 9, 2013

My stake in the ground

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October has been a harder month than planned. This weightloss journey is about changing my life, adding in structure, and planning for things that I used to let go before. I had two events planned for October: a wedding (week in Austin) and a 5 days in New York. Both were exciting because I was going to spend time with my sisters. I knew that my workout schedule/diet were going to be disrupted. It seemed terrifying, but it was planned and that is what matters. For the most part it wasn't too crazy. Past-Brittany would have been eating tacos, migas and cupcakes in a feral I've-been-on-a-desert-island-for-three-years manner, which is something current-Brittany can't even relate to anymore. In New York and Austin, I "cheated" and ate some dairy, had a cupcake, and drank beers without falling back into past-Brittany ways. It was fine.
Alice in Wonderland
And then something unexpected happened.

I received a call on October 14th that my grandmother wasn't doing well. I'll have to admit that I've never cried so hard as I sat down and thought about her not being there anymore. My grandmother was a constant in my life growing up in Ohio. She taught me to love animals, how to find value in everything and everyone, and from her, I inherited my sweet tooth. I spent my childhood working at her barn (golf range), attending craft fairs, and countless other adventures. Staying at Nana's had always been a treat. With my sisters, I booked a ticket to Ohio for the next day and immediately ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Even the best self-resolve can break in a moment of stress.

Since I'm at this point in my life where I'm actively working towards making a shift, my grandmother's death hit me even harder. I kept thinking about my grandmother and wondering what she would have changed in her life. This weightloss journey was my stake in the ground where I decided that if died the next day, this wouldn't be the body and mindset I wanted to end in. I know that's morbid, but if we don't live every day like our last then what's the point?
the tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live.
I often worry about failing. I worry about the fact that I've been writing this blog and want to produce results. I worry that I'm not disciplined to stick to the changes that have been helping me succeed. I worry about how I would feel if I let myself down in this way. Because this is a longterm goal with short-term wins in between, sometimes the day-to-day can feel a little daunting. I have this desire to be "finished" but I know that my physical health is something I'll never be finished perfecting. What helps get me through this? Knowing that my stake in the ground wasn't just about changing my body - it was about not taking my current state as final. It was about not giving up and actively changing my life. Today, I see myself in a whole different light and it's that self-awareness that drives me each and every day to live my life to the best of my ability. I believe I'm turning into someone my grandmother would be proud of.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, and I love reading where your journey is taking you. You're right, and your grandmother was already proud of you- she would be delighted how happy + healthy you are -and the commitment you are making to yourself. Let me know if you want to go for a brisk walk! take care, Fleur